I am a white male in America, which basically means I should live a strife free life. That in and of itself is a problem. Man was never meant to live in harmony. Harmony is a state of static and ensures a never ending state of failure. Humanity creates conflict in order to strive for a better state of future harmony in which it will eventually become unhappy with. This is why good men go to war. And in all conflicts, there is a winner and a loser. A winner moves to a greater state of static. The loser becomes even worse off than he was before. As long as one remains in a state of static rest, one can never be truly happy with one's standing in life. Thus, people are constantly looking for whatever conflict they can create, despite the possibility of creating a worse world for themselves.
As I have stated, I am a white male, which makes my static life nigh inescapable. People always questions white people problems, why their seemingly perfect little lives always seem to be fraught with self-created misery and disaster. The reason is because so many of us don't know how to make our lives move in some meaningful way. What little conflict we can create is petty, short-lived, and unsatisfying. Often enough, any conflict that is created ends with us the loser. As a result, people often get to enjoy the unchanging misery of existence simply because they are used to it. This is the low point where people act out in desperation and some really horrible tragedies can happen. Have you ever noticed that it's always the quiet, young white males?
I recently read an article on dating profiles and why they so often do not work. The article, I found, was written to mirror my exact experiences with such technology that I found it ghastly. What I learned from reading this article is that I will never find someone, not in my current static state. I have hit a rut, being far too comfortable in my life, which while I don't find to be very happy or satisfying, I enjoy because it is conflict free. And while I may not go about committing acts of desperate life-changing tragedy, I can't say that it has never crossed my mind. I remind you, I am crazy but I am not stupid.
The question is, what do I want out of a relationship? This is something you will find on every dating website from here to Fallujah. Everyone who has ever answered that question has lied. Anyone who has ever answered that question and has never been in a committed relationship has lied poorly. It is time for the truth.
I do not know what I want. I have never been in a relationship before. I have had very brief stints that have left me asking why do people go through all the bother of it all. What I do know that I want is this: I want experience, the experience to know just what I do not want in a relationship. Whoever I meet, I hope that such a person is horrible for me in every way and that I am just as equally bad for them. I want both of us coming out saying, "this sucked and I need to change for the better for the next person who comes around." I want a relationship that is so bad that I can finally ask all of my friends sincerely, "why do you put yourselves through this crap month after month, ending in misery? Is there ever any happiness from this never ending crapstorm that we call love?" I want to finally stick it to my parents that I am far from ready for any meaningful human interaction so they will finally shut up about grandkids. You aren't getting any. Leave me the fuck alone. I want a relationship that ends so badly that it finally kicks me in the ass so hard that I can finally have the conflict in my life necessary to change myself into the man I want to be. What I want is a tool. Not a person.
And this is why I will always be alone. Because I am a horrible person amongst horrible people. And I am probably the worst of them all.
